Flying Nun Cruelly Robbed of the Papacy

SAN JUAN (SNN) – The Sister News Network reports that supporters of Sister Bertrille, the famous Flying Nun from San Juan, Puerto Rico, are bitterly disappointed that she was not elevated to the papacy. The College of Cardinals instead chose Joseph Ratzinger, a former member of the Hitler Youth.

“I can’t deny that we like her, we really like her,” said Sister Jacqueline from the ancient Convent of San Tanco on the hilltop overlooking San Juan. “She has brought the word of our Lord to street urchin, playboy and colonialist alike on this blessed island. And with her miraculous ability to fly – well, we feel sure she has been touched by the hand of God and is destined to lead His church.”

“Sí, and think of the transportation costs she could have saved the Vatican!” added Sister Sixto. “She wouldn’t even need the Pope-Mobile.”

Carlos Ramirez, owner of the swank Carlos-A-Go-Go in San Juan, expressed his disappointment as well: “Sister Bertrille helped me to see the error of my ways. She helped me to stop my evil lifestyle of shameless womanizing and to come out as a proud gay man. The cardinals should not have overlooked her many good works.”

"We could have had a perky pope," said a dejected San Juan resident, "instead of a Nazi pope."

"The Jews are still waiting for their Messiah; we will just have to be patient and wait for our Flying Pope," another of Sister Bertrille's proponents said philosophically.

San Tanco's Reverend Mother, sometimes at odds with Sister Bertrille’s free spirit, issued the convent’s official statement: “We welcome the elevation of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger to the exalted position of Pope Benedict XVI. With his long history of directing the Vatican enforcement office formerly known as the Inquisition and his early training in the Hitler Youth, we’re confident he will maintain the purity of the Catholic faith and lead us down the right path.”

Sister News Network asked a Vatican official if there was any truth to the rumor that Sister Bertrille was disqualified because some cardinals believe that her aerodynamic abilities are an “intrinsic moral evil.” The Vatican declined to comment as did Sister Bertrille, who was last seen swooping perkily into San Tanco’s bell tower dutifully obeying the Reverend Mother’s order to ring chimes in celebration of the new pope.

* * * * * *

Real quotes about the new pope:

"Having seen fascism in action, Ratzinger today believes that the best antidote to political totalitarianism is ecclesiastical totalitarianism." – Ratzinger biographer John L. Allen Jr., quoted in the NYTimes, 4/20/05

"He's going to have a German mentality of leadership: either get on the train or get off the track." – Rev. M. Price Oswalt in the NYTimes, 4/20/05

Extending that unfortunate metaphor, let's hope the train isn't a German cattle car . . .